Grief – My Personal Journey
At the end of January 2019, my world shattered into a million pieces – my husband Paul, suddenly and unexpectedly passed away from a brain aneurysm. The day had been a perfectly normal day, there were no warning signs at all. From that moment on, life has never been the same, and never will be again. My heart aches for Paul, I feel like I have lost half of my identity, and my soul is ripped in two. The pain of my husband’s loss was and still is so overwhelming and extremely painful. Every day is a daily struggle, it is still so raw. I still can’t believe what happened, actually happened, it just doesn’t seem real. When the days are bad I have learnt to just let it be and ride it out. I cry because Paul is worth it.
I am no stranger to grief, I lost my lovely Gran in September 2008 and then my beautiful Mum in February 2016. I felt robbed of possibly another 15 plus years with my Mum. I have lost three family members in just over ten years. However, the untimely passing of my soulmate left me completely and utterly devastated, I was broken. Again, I felt robbed of possibly 35 plus years that we could have been together. My husband was only 52, we were married for 31 years. When we married I was only 19 and Paul was nearly 21. Although we were married extremely young I have absolutely no regrets. We were meant to be – we were destined to be together, our paths had basically crossed twice before but we never met until our paths crossed for the third time. It was absolute destiny.
The Physical Pain
One thing I never expected from grief was the sheer toll it took on my body. I had a constant sick feeling in my stomach. My body was in complete shock. I couldn’t sleep, my hair was falling out, I hated to be outside of my home, I had anxiety when I was out and just wanted to return home to my comfort zone, and the thought of eating disgusted me, if Paul couldn’t eat food why should I? My walking around the house became so slow like I was weighed down, I felt so exhausted all the time. I pretty much disconnected with the world and questioned life. I am slowly making my way again, extremely slowly and that is okay.
Grieving is so painful, both physically and mentally. I soon learned that it is perfectly okay to just breathe, survive and just get through the day for as long as you need. There is no need to rush anything.
What I have learnt about Grief
Grieving is such a personal journey, there is no right or wrong way to grieve – there is only your way. It is so important that you find your own pace to deal with your loss or give someone their own space and time to deal with their grief. What is right for you, may not be right for someone else and what you think is wrong, maybe right for others. Grieving is different for everybody, it is so important to remember that.
Grief is lifelong, it has no time limit – it never goes away. Grief becomes part of us, it moves through life with us. But that’s not to say that happiness and sadness can not co-exist, they do, my mood changes constantly.
Some days will be worse than others, particularly at special dates throughout the year. Birthdays, anniversaries, particularly the first anniversary is so difficult, it is so painful, however, the lead up to it can be worse than the actual date for some. I certainly felt like I was back at square one with the lead up to, during, and then following my husband’s first year anniversary.
Find something or someone to get you through. For me I had the support of my gorgeous daughter Chloe, at 19 she lost her Dad, she was grieving too. Chloe was and still is an absolute pillar of strength for me, we leaned on each other and were pretty much inseparable. I could not have gotten through this without her. Paul was extremely proud of our daughter and he would have been so proud of how she was there for me at the darkest time of my life, and she still is.
One year on
Just over one year on now I can think of Paul and look at my gorgeous husband’s photos and smile, not for long as the sadness quickly takes hold of me again. I hear him talking to me just when I need him the most, this gives me great comfort and strength.
People will tell you to be grateful for the memories you have, (they are just trying to help) but all I could think about was the memories we wouldn’t make together anymore. One year on, I am now feeling grateful for those memories and I treasure them all. This is baby steps moving forward with grief.
I also have a massive amount of faith in knowing that we will be together again. For now, we are just on our own separate paths and those paths will cross again and we will be together for eternity.
Paul was my biggest supporter both with my blog and Instagram. I know he would not be happy if I was to abandon them both. So moving forward, with Paul watching over me, I will continue my blogging journey, I am not going to disappoint him.
Things To Remember
- There is no right or wrong way to grieve – there is only your way
- Don’t let anyone else tell you how to grieve – it’s your journey
- I highly recommend seeking counselling – it is painful but I believe worth it
- Grief has no time limit and you will never “get over it”….ever
- Do what you feel is right for you
- Take small baby steps
- Some days you will feel like you are going backwards, just ride it out… let it be
- Happiness and sadness can co-exist
- Last of all… a big one – be kind to yourself (valuable advice from my beautiful counsellor)
22 Comments
Anna Willett
Dear Janet,
My heart goes out to you. You are very brave and your insights are extremely valuable.
XX
Janet
Thank you so much, I am so fortunate to have a great, best friend like you for support xx
Neti
Keep the Faith my Dear! I do know that your life has forever changed, but do not give up. Take your time and cry if you want to. One of his funny stories will come to mind and you will laugh again and again.
Janet
Oh lovely Neti, thank you so much! You are right, I can now laugh at his funny stories which is keeping him alive to me.
It still doesn’t seem real even though this is my life now. My faith is strong for us to be together again xx
andrea groom
Janet, thank you for sharing your story. Whilst painful I am sure it was for you to write, I can, however, hear your strength in your words. I know this blog will bring comfort and support for others who may be going through similar situations. Yes, we all grieve in our own way and grief is life long, grief hurts, and yes you must always be kind to yourself! Andrea
Janet
Thank you so much Andrea, I really appreciate your comment. Yes, it was extremely painful to write, there were lots of tears, but Paul is worth the tears. I truly hope it does help someone one day xx
Kara
Sending both you and your daughter lots of love. There really is no time limit on griefing and it’s wonderful that you have your daughter to lean on. Although I imagine it was hard, thank you for sharing this and your tips for griefing. It’s great that you are continuing your blogging journey and I look forward to what you create next!
Janet
Thank you so much Kara, I really do appreciate your kindness. Yes, I was extremely hard and still is, it is a daily struggle, but I am hoping that blogging will be a distraction that I need. xx
jodie filogomo
Oh, my gosh Janet. What a terrible shock. I don’t know how you have survived. One of my other blogging friends wrote a book “Finding Grace” after her husband died to help with her grief.
I love how you explain you don’t get over it. It’s true with all of our losses. They kick in many times and can overwhelm us.
Sending you lots of hugs and love,
XOOX
Jodie
http://www.jtouchofstyle.com
Janet
I don’t know how I survive Jodie, I ask myself this all the time. It is a daily struggle with lots of tears and disbelief that I am actually living without Paul. I do find comfort that knowing he is with me as I can feel him, particularly at times when I need him the most. Thank you for your love and hugs, it is very much appreciated xx
Mercy
Feeling sad to know about it, I was wondering what happened to you. But I’m glad that you are slowly recovering and back to writing on your blog again. Your post would help people who are in their grieving journey. Wishing you well right now especially with this health crisis that we are facing. Keep safe Janet!
http://www.busyandfab.com
Janet
Thank you so much Mercy. I couldn’t face much last year at all, and to be honest, it’s still a daily struggle. I hope my post does help someone who is grieving. Stay safe Mercy and thank you once again xx
Melody Jacob
I totally understand
https://worldviewcaptures.blogspot.com/2020/03/best-spring-location-to-visit-places.html
Janet
Thank you Melody. Grief is life long that is for sure, and it never leaves you.
Makeup Muddle
I am so sorry for your loss Janet. I can’t even imagine the pain of losing your husband. My mum died nine months ago and I’m still utterly heartbroken and I don’t think I’ll ever recover from the gut wrenching pain. Sending you and your daughter so much love xo
Janet
Thank you so much lovely, this is so very kind of you. I am so sorry to hear that you lost your Mum, I lost my Mum four years ago and it is still so hard. It takes time but you will smile when you remember special moments or sayings that she used to say, and then the tears will fall while you are smiling. Nine months is very early days too, don’t expect too much too soon. You will have days when you go forward and then days when you go backwards again. I read a quote that says, grief is the price we pay for love, I think that is true. Just remember to be kind to yourself and happiness and sadness can co-exist, allow yourself to cry and allow yourself to be happy. Sending you lots of love and I am always here to talk if you need too xx
The Exclusive Beauty Diary
I’m so sorry for your lost. One day I notice that you stop publish post and for next few months I come to your blog to check did you publish something new because I enjoy reading your words, but you didn’t. I was think that maybe you decide to stop writing blog, I never think that you are going through such a hard and tragic time. My hart is with you and I hope so that you day by day will be better.
Janet
Thank you lovely, I really appreciate your support and kindness so much. It is still a daily struggle for me, I am slowly returning to some normality and I hope to start publishing posts again soon. Thank you again xx
Claire
I’ve just recently come across your blog, and want to say I’m so sorry for your loss.
I lost my younger sister very suddenly back in August 2019 and I still have days where I just don’t want to go out or be around anyone, and I can imagine this will get harder leading up to the 1 year anniversary.
Thankyou for your list of “Things To Remember” at the bottom of your post, I have actually printed a copy of that out and put it in my notebook that I write letters to my sister in, so I can see it whenever I open the book up x
Claire || http://www.clairejoanne.com
Janet
Thank you so much for your kindness Claire. I am so sorry for your loss too, life seems so unfair doesn’t it. I can’t tell you how honoured I am that you have printed my “things to remember” and placed it is such a special book. What a beautiful, and I hope therapeutic thing you are doing with writing letters to your sister, I love this. I can totally relate to you saying you sometimes don’t want to go out or be around anyone, this was me, and still is to a point, I am doing better this year. The first year will be the toughest year with the firsts of many things, birthdays, Christmas and the dreaded first year anniversary, this was the worst for me, I actually didn’t know how I survived the past year when I was in a black hole in January and February this year. Just remember, there is no time limit on grief, this is what all people need to remember, grief will always be with you, and when you cry or smile your sister is worth those emotions from you xx
Lily
Dear Janet,
I’m so sorry for your loss, I had no idea. I can’t even imagine everything you have gone through. Please continue to stay strong. Sending prayers your way!
Lily | https://lmastr0819.wordpress.com
Janet
Thank you so much Lily, I really appreciate your kindness. To say I still feel numb is an understatement, I know the pain lives with me now and has become part of me. I will stay strong for my husband and my daughter. Thank you so much xx